Head? Vagina?

I worked December 23rd, 24th, and 25th. We had all planned a party on the 23rd -- which included awesome items like my salsa and P's fried chicken. However, when we got to work on the 23rd, we saw that someone had put up a sign informing us that our actual party was going to be on the 25th. Now, most of us were working these same three nights in a row. And we had kind of shot our catering wad by preparing whatever it was we brought for the 23rd. And, here in the shallow south? Lots of places where you could buy food are actually closed on Christmas morning. So, right off the bat? No one was expecting a whole lot from the 25th party. We ended up with homemade salsa and chips, taco soup (the kind where you throw a bunch of different cans of stuff together with some browned meat and it tastes surprisingly good) and various Chinese food entrees ordered from a place that, amazingly, was willing to deliver on Christmas night. At about one in the morning, after a fairly uneventful first half of the shift, we sat around and ate these items with a relative lack of holiday cheer -- and serious misgivings about how much gas we might be having later in the shift.

Then we get the call from admissions:

There's a lady up here who feels a head coming out.

Shit.

S and I grab a stretcher, gloves, precip basin and start for the front.

We should really run, we say to each other as we continue to walk fast.

My foot hurts, S tells me.

My taco soup and Mongolian beef are churning, I tell her back.

We start a modest jog.

Have I mentioned that it has been really slow ALL night? I have? Then imagine our surprise when we burst into a lobby FULL of people at 2 in the morning. None of whom, by the way, appear to be anywhere near pushing a head out. So S and I are running around the lobby with a stretcher asking people:

Head?

Head?

Do you feel a head?

Is there a head coming out of your vagina?

Head?

NO TAKERS!

Finally, we find this teenager around the corner talking on her damned cell phone. Are you the one who feels a head coming out. we ask her? She puts up her hand in the universal signal for, don't interrupt me I'm on the phone...

That's the one, we hear D from admissions say.

Rule #1: If you can still talk on the phone, delivery is probably not imminent.